Falling Apart
by robinh
Summary: This happens after episode 1x16. An AU which starts after Ward shoots Nash and gets thrown into the cell on the bus. The entire story is based around the actual events shown in the episodes. It's my version of the events leading to that point. Mayward.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** I do not own Marvel's Agents OF S.H.I.E.L.D. I only use the characters for fun for a short while.

This is set after episode 1x16. My own version of what's going on. I have not seen any previews or any speculations (I find that it's not good for my health). In my mind everybody is innocent. May is Coulson's protector. She works with Fury and Hill and Ward has a hidden agenda that fits in with the greater good as well. Also, in my mind mayward is a given. Alive and kicking. I hope you'll like it.

Please tell me what you think.

* * *

A tiny movement on the other side of the door wakes him up. He jumps off the small bed in his locked room, making himself ready for whoever is planning to come in. He puts the money on Coulson. He estimates it's been at least ten hours since their last round of screaming and shouting, their own little version of interrogation. He takes a deep breath, preparing for the emotional toll that comes with looking to his commander in the eyes. If he knew it would be that difficult he would have never agreed to…

The door slides open quietly. It's too dark, he can't see anything at first glance. He can only feel the energy in the room suddenly changing, feel his heart beats a little bit faster when a familiar smell comes to surround him, and he feels the usual shiver all over his body when she steps in and they find themselves alone together for the first time in days.

She stands in front of him, her hand still on the doorframe. When she looks at him and her eyes meet his he swallows hard, as his breath catches in his throat. Her look is soft. She runs her eyes on his face slowly, like she's trying to remember something, or like she's trying to command everything in this room to her memory. He doesn't know. She exhales shortly before she whispers "We need to go."

He stands up, walking slowly towards her. She follows him carefully, but doesn't move. She doesn't flinch when he stands close enough to touch her. Then his hand moves to her cheek, and he moves his thumb under her eye gently, whipping her tear, silently submitting it to their ever growing box of secrets.

"We need to go" she whispers again, his hand still warm on her cheek "I've got to get you out of here."

"No" he shakes his head. "I'm not leaving. We need to stick to the plan."

"I heard Coulson's shouts" she argues "he suspects something. Your position is compromised."

"I can handle it." He reassure her "I'm not leaving."

"Ward, I know him. I've never seen him so…" she bites at her lower lip, searching for the right word "torn. He's unpredictable now. Who knows what he'll do."

"I. can. Handle. It." he says again, emphasizing every word.

"It doesn't matter" she shakes her head "I spoke to Hill. We've got our orders. You are needed elsewhere" He purses his lips, looking at her for a long moment. They both understand what is the meaning of this. "Ward, please…" she says again, holding his hand in the dark. He looks at her small hand around his wrist, her touch is like magic, it shuts up all the warning bells, all the doubt and the tension of finding himself in this position. She looks down too, and her hold gets tighter in a rare expression of their everlasting bond and comradeship. He looks up at her bowed head. It's a rare expression of that other thing they have, too.

She lets go of his hand, turns around and walks out the door. He closes his eyes for a brief moment, trying to block the surge of pain that goes through his chest when he realizes their parting is unavoidable. It's the same pain he hears in her soft voice. He wonders if she knows he can hear it.

The plane is silent. Its occupants are asleep after the events of this dreadful day. He follows her in the dark corridors in silence.

.

They get to the cargo bay and she opens the door of the emergency gear closet. She pulls out a parachute and hands it to him.

"It's too dangerous for you here." She tells him, looking at him straight in the eyes pleading him to understand and not argue anymore "I've changed the altitude. It's still 5,000 feet, not entirely the safest conditions, but I couldn't reduce it more than that without raising eyebrows in missions' control."

He looks at her silently. She's right, it's not ideal, but he is an expert paratrooper. He made some scary jumps in his life. This would be no different. She shuts the closet and he looks at her unsurely "aren't you coming with me?" he looks from the only parachute to her tight expression.

She shakes her head.

"You're coming with me" he says quickly, starting to panic "if it's not safe for me around here, it's even worse for you."

"I'm not leaving him" she shakes her head, and he can see how she suddenly tries to avoid his eyes, searching for something around the cargo door's manual operation "I swore to protect him. I can't do it unless I'm here."

"May, you can't…" he holds her by her shoulder turning her towards him "I won't leave you. Together we have some chance to contain this until the final stage of the operation. You, alone… What if he'll do something unpredictable like you said?"

"No!" she hisses, making him back up a little with surprise "I can handle the team. I swore to protect him and that's what I'm doing. You have your own orders. We have to complete this before it's too late."

"May…" his voice his low. He knows she's right. They both know it. There are bigger things on the line right now, bigger than their safety or their unbearable need to be together, and to protect each other.

"Please Grant…" she whispers, and now it's her hand that goes to his cheek. It's cold and it burns his skin and almost shutters his heart.

He closes his eyes for a few seconds and when he opens them there's the usual metallic force in his gaze. The specialist in him takes over as he puts on the parachute and fastens the straps correctly while she's following his every move. When he's ready he nods towards her once and she pulls at the handle. The cargo door moves slowly and the powerful and noisy wind almost slams them against the wall. He stands in his place, grabbing the metal bar on the low roof above him. She stands near the wall, holding the rails, trying to quiet her beating heart when she looks at him preparing to leave her.

Suddenly, he leaves his position. Before she knows it he moves swiftly towards her, pushing her against the wall and kissing her with everything he has. She holds at the back of his head, opens herself to his strong touch, letting him pour all his pain and regret and worries into her, as she does the same, letting him know how sorry she is, and how unsure, and how sacred.

They end the kiss and he just holds her for another stolen moment, hugging her in his arms, his mouth near her ear.

"I love you" he whispers.

She doesn't answer. Only nods vigorously before burying her face in his shoulder.

He lets her go after that, and moves to take his previous position at the door. He never looks back before he jumps into the dark abyss beneath them.

She waits there a few long minutes, maybe hoping beyond reason to be able to see him. Then she closes the cargo door and walks back to her quarters. Knowing they did what had to be done, and that they have to follow their mission doesn't quiet the violent longing that burns through her heart and keeps her awake all night.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** This is an AU which starts after Ward shoots Nash and gets thrown into the cell on the bus. The entire story is based around the actual events shown in the episodes. It's my version of the events leading to everything. IDGAF about cannon…

Please tell me what you think.

* * *

**10 months earlier… **

The opening of his office door makes Nick Fury raise his eye from his laptop and watch with interest the slender figure that appears behind it.

"Well?" he asks impatiently.

"Nope!" Maria hill drops on the chair in front of him.

"No one?!" he leans back in his chair with defeat "these are the best specialists we have. No one impresses her?"

"She was mildly impressed by that Cuban guy. Remember? The one who handled the Baltic crisis back in 2008? But I'm not sure it was… well... a professional impression…"

"I don't want to hear it" he shakes his head quickly "tell her she needs to find someone fast. The team needs to be ready in two weeks. Tell her she can't afford to be picky."

"She's not taking any chances" Maria Hill shrugs "you know how she can be… Besides, maybe she herself isn't ready…"

Nick Fury turns his head towards the big window, following the setting sun above the bay "she's ready" he says quietly "she has to be…"

"Maybe she can do without another specialist then" Maria offers when it's clear he's not going to say anything else "if she's as good as you say she is…"

"I'm not sending her alone for this" Nick shakes his head "I'm not taking any chances either." Maria only nods.

"I'll tell her to keep looking then, but I doubt if it'll make any difference. She really wasn't satisfied with what he showed her."

"_Not satisfied?!_" He slams his hand on the table "listen to me; I want you to collect every single specialist around the hub. I don't care if they're young, old, rookie, experienced, with good qualifications or behavioral issues. I don't care – tell her to pick one by the end of the day, or I'll pick one for her!"

()()()

"You're sure you don't want the Cuban guy?"

"I'm sure" Melinda May scrolls down the list of names she'd already crossed off on her tablet.

"What about Suskey? His operation in Bolivia was no less than a masterpiece. Besides, you know him, you've worked with him once or twice before."

"He is too independent. Unreliable. And he has women issues."

"Women issues?" Maria looks at her puzzled.

"He can't take an order from a woman without arguing" she explains "it's a very bad quality."

"He gave you a hard time during the op?" Maria has a faint smile on her lips.

"Not after I broke his tibia he didn't…" Melinda smiles with fond memory "he was much more reasonable after that. Albeit, somewhat disgruntled." Maria rolls her eyes at this, she's quite sure, very accurate account of Melinda May's leadership demonstration "what about Althea?" she asks suddenly "she's one of the best. We worked together in Pakistan."

"She's level 8" Maria smiles "she's S.H.I.E.L.D's representative in NATO and she's indispensable. I'm afraid her field days are over. Look May, Fury insists on you making a choice by the end of the day. If you won't pick a specialist from what we've been showing you, he's going to stick you with some random rookie whose recruitment to your team will cause the least amount of headache for human resources. I suggest you'd start compromising. Soon."

"I won't compromise" she looks up at Maria Hill "this is _my_ operation. You both know what's on the line. Fury said I have full freedom in assembling the team and I will not take directions from anyone, not even him."

They're standing in the balcony over the training center in the Hub. The tryouts for the team are already over and the specialists they'd invited for her benefit were already sent back to their units. The training center is open for everyone at this point and slowly, it's getting crowded down there. Something grabs her attention suddenly, when she's in the middle of arguing with Maria. Something _very interesting_.

"Who is he?" she mumbles suddenly, looking at the way he spars with another guy. He is way too tall, she mentions to herself, something she always considered as a tactical disadvantage but despite this obvious flaw his movements are well coordinated. He is fast and strong. She can see he's favoring his left, but this is something that is easily corrected. He fights three different guys without taking a break. He has high concentration level, he is quiet. Never says a single word, never smiles, just focuses on the task at hand and wins each fight easily. "Who is he?" she says, transfixed "he looks good."

Maria comes to stand behind her, locating the man she is talking about "he does." She smiles "he _does_ look good."

May rolls her eyes before turning and smiling back at her friend "I'm talking about his fighting skills."

"I'm sure you are" Maria smiles, but she has to stop because suddenly he's done fighting and he stops to pull off his sweaty tee-shirt above his head and they both have to catch their breath.

She watches him going to sit on the bench, holding a water bottle. He speaks to no one, but a few other men send him a respectful nod. Everything about him says quiet self control and inner strength, but she can see deeper. She'd been through enough to feel that there are things he hides under his apparently stoic appearance.

"Who is he?" she asks Maria again. Maria scrolls down on her tablet, searching the photos in the Hub security archive.

"Grant Douglas Ward" she announces "he's one of Garret's kids."

"I want him" she says quietly.

"What?!" Maria looks from Melinda May to the tall handsome operative "you can't just have him. He wasn't even vetted. Besides, he's Garret's, you know perfectly well what a headache it is to negotiate with that stubborn ass."

She's not even listening anymore, making her way to the door "you told me to pick someone, so I did." She says levelly "go on and vet him if you have to. I'll fix it up with Garret."

"Seriously May…"

"Make it happen, Maria" she throws behind her back.

()()()

She finds John Garret in the obvious place. He sits at the far end of the bar, where he has a good lookout towards the entrance, so when he sees her come in, he waves to the bartender and pours her a drink even before she has the time to sit next to him.

"Melinda" he raises his drink politely, as she sits beside him "always a pleasure" he smiles.

"John" she nods shortly picking up the glass "it's nice to see you. It's been a while."

They look at each other for a few minutes, in silence. Memories of long battles, pain and heartache fill their minds but they say nothing. Both of them know where these memories belong. Deep inside, buried and covered, obscured by dust and by decades of fighting. The lost comrades, the injured flash are all particles of the past that are better kept hidden. They sip from the whiskey quietly.

"So how're things in administration?" John is the first to break the silence, the mocking is apparent in his voice.

"Boring" she scoffs "very boring."

"I told you you'll never survive it" he shrugs, signaling to the bartender to refill their glasses.

"I've been surviving it for five years" she reminds him.

"Well" he smiles broadly "you always were the toughest…" she frowns "_soldier_ of us all…"

She smiles with gratitude both to the compliment and to the fact that he managed not to use obscenities. A rare occasion when John Garret is concerned "I'm going back to the field" she tells him quietly.

"Of course you are" he laughs.

"I'm building a team" she tells him quickly ignoring the annoying victorious tone in his voice "it's a special assignment. Time is pressing and I…"

"This is not a social drink, is it?" he cuts her midsentence, suddenly growing serious. He can recognize the tightness in her voice, the steel gaze in her eyes. After spending enough time with someone behind enemy lines, after having your life saved by them, after they carried you back to safety bleeding and broken in the desert night, you get to know them or _her_ for that matter. You learn to recognize when she has something important to say "what do you need from me, May?" he asks quietly.

"I need your kid" she sighs "I think his name is Ward."

He looks at her in silence, putting the glass to his lips and taking another long sip.

"Do you now? He mumbles.

"John" she says gently "it's important. I know how protective you are of your boys. I wouldn't have asked if it wasn't…"

He doesn't look at her. He knew this day will come. He knew he wouldn't be able to keep him hidden forever. The kid is the best specialist he'd ever commanded. Hell, he's better than he was at his age. You shouldn't get attached in this line of work. Young kids like him will come and go. They'll be sucked into SpecOp and will be drilled with all sort of useless information, will be recruited to teams, will be sent to obscured operations, will be take advantage of in the name of politics, honor, will be used as pawns in ego battles between commanders and SO's. Whatever they do, they'll be taken away from the mentors who found them. So, you keep your distance! You teach them everything you know and hope for the best. You let them go when the time comes, and you stay away! Detached! ….Not this kid. This kid had stayed. Since the day he found him in a jail cell in a small town in Massachusetts and saved him from the horrors of federal prison, he stayed. He served his time in SpecOps, sure, but the place made little impression on him. He made no friends there, was skeptical of the glorified messages shoved down his throat. The first option he had he showed up at back at his first SO's doorstep ready for work. When other kids wanted to move on, to join a team, to start climbing the chain of command he stayed behind. Content of working alone, trusting no one. He read his file. Learned all about his… _special family circumstances_… he thought it might have something to do with this… loyalty, this secluded attitude. It didn't matter. It was only a matter of time until someone would pick on his exceptional talent and his high level training. A matter of time until someone realized what a strong and dedicated specialist hides behind his seemingly quiet determination. He knew he'd have to let him go one day, to give him up to a commander who will be blind to his hidden broken soul, and he hated it. He could think of no one he trusted enough, no one who'll be able to protect Ward not only from the tolls of the job, but from the young operative's own self. Well… _almost no one_… He looks up at Melinda May again, watching her waiting for his response. If there's anyone he _would _trust...

"Do I have a choice?" he asks, knowing the answer already.

"Not really" she admits. This is from higher up in the chain.

"How high?"

"The highest."

"Okay, May" he sighs after a long thoughtful pause "you can have him. But on one condition, the kid has to say yes. He's the best operative I've ever seen" he smiles "he reminds me of you from back in the days" he says it seriously and she wonders what he's referring to "you ask him first, and he has to say yes. I want you to give me your word, if he says no, he's off the hook."

"Fine" she grumbles.

"Fine" he sighs, downing the rest of his drink and pushing away from the counter. Just before he leaves he turns around and watches her silently "he's… he's different May." She looks at him with interest "he's… all alone..." Then he leaves and she stays there, looking at him disappearing behind the door.

()()()

"He's good." Maria admits to Fury as they both stand behind the glass watching agent Grant Ward sitting in the interrogation room.

"He should be" Fury grumbles "with all the shit I'm going to get from Garret, he should be a god damn superhero…" The boy looks much younger than he had anticipated and it makes him worried. On a second look though, there's something special about him which he can't identify yet. He has an uncharacteristic quiet demeanor, he seems unfazed by the fact he was practically abducted from his temporary quarters in the middle of the night and brought into special command. He remained quiet when he was tested for hours and hours, interviewed, examined, questioned about every little aspect of his life. He didn't resist, cooperated fully, didn't ask any questions, didn't argue... but something in his eyes holds a clue to something completely different... A small glint of defiance, director Fury can notice it now. It's not a surprise that special ops' head psychologist submitted a report warning them from using him, saying Ward's answers were too short, too elusive. He gave them enough to go forward but kept more to himself. Every answer was as expected, like he had memorized the book and gave them the best answers they could have wanted. Director Fury smiles broadly. He'd seen this stunt before. A young China born specialist, recruited straight from the academy. He was the one vetting her then, he and Coulson, and it was a mess… He looks sideways at Maria "he's planning something."

"What?" she raises her eyes from the tablet, watching the seemingly calm and subdued specialist on the other side of the glass "what do you mean?"

"He had enough. He's going to demand answers pretty soon" Fury smiles.

"Well" Maria shrugs "he still has to go through medical examination. He'll get his answers then."

"No" Fury shakes his head "May needs to approach him now. He's all worked up; he might do something we'll all regret…" Maria looks at the man in the interrogation room. He looks like the epitome of tranquility. Well… when she looks harder she can see the way his shoulders tighten and the way his left hand is skimming the edge of the chair, obscurely trying to assess the best way to make it into a weapon. She looks at Fury with concern. "Tell May to step in" he repeats "now."

()()()

When the door opens again he makes his move. He jumps off his chair and throws it against the wall. The impact breaks it, and he picks up the broken leg as he slides behind the door. He doesn't even look at the figure standing there; instinctively his senses assess height and weight, trying to calculate his chances in hand to hand combat. He pushes the door closed with a thud, and captures her arm from behind. Something in the way she smells, the way her hair moves, makes him register it's a woman, and he has a moment of hesitation when he's supposed to slide the metal bar under her throat like he had planned. This moment is all she needs. With one swift motion she takes a hold of his arm which still holds the leg of the chair and forces him forward. Her knee goes to his spleen, her other arm behind his neck. He manages to release himself quickly and to hold her by her shoulders, but she's very fast, she slides her leg under him and he crashes to the ground. The leg of the chair in her hand pointed at his throat.

It's the first time he has a chance to look at her face and when he does, he forgets how to breathe. Forgets everything. His own name probably. He would know this face anywhere. He had seen her in his dreams, in his mind's eyes, for years. It's her!

She can see the recognition in his eyes. He looks up at her from the floor, almost paralyzed with shock. She frowns. All these young specialists, looking at her like this after being pumped up in SpecOps with all her legendary battle stories. The word legendary is the imperative adjective here. The stories were getting more and more ridiculous every year. The way he looks at her, with such awe, makes her regret she didn't compromise on someone older, someone more experienced, whom she'd worked with before. He should probably know, she thinks to herself, that if he tells her he's a fan, she might break his neck on the spot.

"Do you know who I am?" she asks quietly, offering him her arm. He only nods, as he takes her hand and stands up, straightening his clothes.

She's beautiful. She's smaller than he had imagined. He thinks he has at least a foot on her, but the way she looks at him with piercing brown eyes makes him realize quickly who has the upper hand between them.

They have nowhere to sit. He had ruined the only chair in the room. He looks guiltily towards the wreckage on the floor beside him, but it seems like she has no patience for a long heartfelt apology.

"I'm building a team. For a special assignment. A _secret_ special assignment, under the orders of director Fury." She looks expectantly at him.

He looks at the glass wall. He had a feeling this was all pretty high up in the chain of command, but he wasn't expecting the personal touch of the director.

"Well?" she asks impatiently. He looks at her with surprise. What does she mean _well?_ He'd been a specialist in S.H.I.E.L.D. for the last 13 years and if he remembers it right this is the first time someone had ever asked for his opinion on anything.

"Are you asking me to join in?" he asks hesitatingly. She only rolls her eyes. He has a feeling she's not good with too many questions. She expects him to be quicker than this. He can feel his anger builds up inside. He was more than patient with them. Participated fully with days and days of interrogations and invasive questioning. If she thinks he'll tolerate this attitude for much longer just because she's the legendary Melinda May, the best specialist in the history of S.H.I.E.L.D, a role model, an inspiration, the most amazing woman he had ever known of… "I work with Garret" he spits out in defiance "or alone. Definitely not with a team!" He regrets it the second it comes out of his mouth and he can see the anger in her eyes. Did he just give up on the only chance he'll ever have in working with her?

She remains quiet. Thoughtful in a way, trying to think about something else to say after his blatant refusal. She's not the one to beg. She knows she can order him to join the team. To inform him he's recruited under the director's personal instructions and get it over with, but she promised Garret, and she tends to keep her word to someone who bled for her. She looks at the young specialist. She's been in his shoes once. She knows his proud defiance is nothing but the arrogance of youth. She smiles despite of herself. How many mistakes had she made for the same stupid reason?

"I need your special skills set" she tells him quietly "this is a mission like no other. I need a specialist who can work undercover, who is smart and quick on his feet. That will follow orders no matter what, because on this mission we might encounter… _unexpected things_." He looks at her with surprise. He had half expected her to punch him, or send him to hell after his arrogant refusal. He definitely didn't expect a truthful request "if it was up to me, I would just order you in, but I promised John I'll ask first."

"John knows?" he asks unsurely.

"Not about the mission" she clarifies "the mission is classified. I told him I'm recruiting you to my team."

"You and John…" he whispers "you were together when he got shot…"

"This is why you get to express your opinion" she frowns "no other reason."

He knows only half truths about what happened then in Columbia. Garret never talked about it openly. A few details he gathered during drunken evenings and fractions of sentences screamed during nightmares haunted sleep gave him some idea about the horror they'd encountered there. He only knows she was the one pulling his mentor out of the fire. Saving his ass while risking her own. This was the first time he heard her name. Whispered by his tormented father figure like a mantra. She's asking him now to join her team, and she's doing it out of loyalty to John.

He looks at her attentively, and she can see the wheels turning as he runs all this information in his head. When he still doesn't answer after a few seconds, she glances towards the glass wall shaking her head. She walks towards the door, trying to think about a way to continue. She'll have to take that prick Suskey after all…

"I'm in" he calls after her, and she halts with her hand on the door knob. "I'm in" he repeats quietly.

She sends him a questioning look from behind her shoulder. He stands there determined, decisive, ready to follow her orders.

She nods silently before she opens the door and steps out. She sighs in relief when she closes the door behind her.


End file.
